The Student Smeller Persuivant
by LoveandBookishness
Summary: Lottie and Trina meet the historic, infamous, Blackadder, Baldrick and Percy!


**The Student Smeller Persuivant **

**Hello there! This is yet another witty and amazing collaboration between BookWorm_x and Scribbler95! Enjoy and please review! **

"You have been called here today, Katrina Duncan and Charlotte Blackwell, to stand on trial for one of the most heinous crimes a person can commit – coerced witchcraft!"

Three women in the court screamed and fainted hyperbolically. Katrina and Charlotte looked at each other and rolled their eyes. Charlotte leaned in and whispered in the ear of her friend.

"Well I'm not sure about you, but this isn't how I planned on spending my summer. I have fan fictions to write..."

"Silence in the court!"

"All right, pushy, pushy."

The large nosed witch-smeller scowled at her before continuing.

"Also accused is Edmund Blackadder and the man with no last name!" The large nosed witch-smeller scowled at her before continuing.

"Hang on you didn't say that on TV!" shouted Charlotte, receiving a slap from Katrina.

A man who looked suspiciously like Rowan Atkinson protested loudly as he was pushed onto the stand.

Now as the voice over of this episode I am paid to tell you the story. It all started at the annual Blackadder fest that Katrina and Charlotte took part in every Friday.

The girls were sat up to their usual table at Magdalen College School library. Katrina was unpacking her laptop case, all the while talking to Charlotte,, making plans to go and see "New Moon". Once they had turned on the computer and placed the DVD in, pressed play, they started to watch their favorite episode of "Blackadder 1", The Witchsmeller Persuivant". They laughed hysterically as Edmund cried out "I meant milk, Bloody Milk" and the Witchsmeller reply "Bloody milk! A mixture of milk and blood".

"This has got to be the best episode ever" Katrina said through her tears of laughter. "I agree" Charlotte replied, also crying excessively.

Meanwhile, because they were wearing headphones, they gained many strange looks from fellow students, who could not hear the amazingly witty humor on the screen of Katrina's laptop. Charlotte, or Lottie as she ways to her friends, pushed a strand of multi coloured hair behind her ear. Rather suddenly the power went out. The laptop shut off with a 'click'.

"Oh great I like that bit."

"Lottie you're standing on my coat."

"Sorry Trina. Where's my phone?"

"On my foot."

"Ah. What's the time? Surely the bell must have gone by..."

She trailed off as the light from her phone screen illuminated a stone wall. A stone wall most definitely did not belong in the library of Magdalen College School.

"Erm..Trina? I don't think we're in the senior fiction section anymore..."

There was a shriek from her left and she whirled around.

"What?"

"Rat. Big, huge, ginormous rat."

Charlotte rolled her eyes. Katrina wasn't the squeamish type usually. But there was something about rats...

"Where are we anyway?"

Rather brusquely Charlotte was lifted up by the scruff of her jacket.

"What have we here then? A girl in mans clothing? And a magic box! The king must be alerted at once!"

"Sir there is another one here!"

"Take them both!"

Katrina looked up and surveyed the men that were man handling her so abruptly. She wasn't used this sort of treatment. The men were not the most pleasant the eyes, she observed, and the smelt of rancid old cheese and rotten eggs. She couldn't stand the smell. Katrina looked around, attempting to try and use her Karate knowledge and skills to try and get them out their current situation. Charlotte however was not the think-of-knowledge sort of person and so took a direct approach to the matter.

"Oi you! Yeah you with the sword! Put me down this jacket cost a fortune!" The guard dropped her with a 'thump' and she landed none too gracefully on her backside.

She cringed as her jeans went from purple to brown with a disgusting 'splat' noise

"Trina please tell me middle age streets were covered in chocolate."

"Afraid not Charlotte."

But before Katrina could come with any kind of a suggestion, good or bad, the Guards had managed to recover, and soon turned to face the two teenage girls. Fear struck the girls' heart. "Run" Charlotte yelled. This was unusual because Charlotte, as well as Katrina, detested running immensely. Charlotte, with her irrational mind, extended her leg and kicked each guard in turn in the groin, they both keeled over.

"Nice shot Charlotte" Katrina said awe struck.

"Thanks" Charlotte said smiling to herself, obviously very pleased with herself.

Then, from out of seemingly no-where a third guard walked behind them, grabbed Charlotte and Katrina by the waist, and put one under each arm.

Ah well it was cool while it lasted. Say what the time is it anyway...?"

Katrina swatted at Charlotte's wrist.

"Lottie as much as I would love to know the time, a watch being invented in...Whatever year we seem to be in would not help."

They were thrown over a horse and lead up to a large castle. While Katrina was trying to figure out where, and when, they were, Charlotte was singing Danger mouse and trying to get comfy. Might as well enjoy a free ride!

They were led into the castle doors, unloaded from the horses and towed into a large rounded room.

"Prince Edmund sir?"

A man with a goatee beard and a pudding bowl haircut looked up from his seat.

"Yes?"

"Found these two witches in the street. Where should we put 'em?"

He looked up at the two girls, one of which was screaming profanities and the other telling the first to shut up. Guess which was which.

"Well the dungeon's full isn't it?"

The guard nodded.

"Well they can stay with Baldrick. That man's body odour is enough to make the devil repent."

"Don't they mean Tony Robinson?" Charlotte said a little too loudly for Katrina's liking. She received a sharp jab in her side and Katrina elbowed her to be quite. Charlotte was just about taking as much of this as she could.

"As you wish, my Lord"

The guards led them into a room down a flight of stairs. Katrina almost felt a thrill about being in actual medieval

"Baldders?" The cried through the door with a loud knock on the door. Man with dirty, greasy brown hair (though Katrina and Charlotte could not tell if that was its natural color or not) wearing typical peasants clothing, resembling those he wore constantly in the T.V series. Katrina could not believe her luck at meeting Tony Robinson (or was it Baldrick?)

"Yes?" Baldrick answered looking briefly at the two girls.

"Two more witches for you. Watch the short one…she bites."

The guard walked away rubbing his shoulder and Charlotte smiled evilly. They walked into a shabby looking kitchen in the middle of which sat…well…they weren't particularly sure. Whatever it was it was most definitely moving.

"Erm…Mr. Baldrick? What is that?"

"Laundry."

They peered down into the vat of greenish sludge.

"Fair enough."

Baldrick shuffled over to Katrina and extended his arm slightly. Sensing a rather unpleasant stench approaching she grabbed his arm and swiftly flipped him onto the floor.

"Trina that wasn't nice."

"He smells."

"Yeah but violence is my job. You all right down there Baldrick?"

He coughed and rubbed his arm.

"I'll live. A kiss might help me heal faster though…"

She gave him an exasperated look.

"Take a bath and I'll consider it."

Baldrick swiftly left the room, obviously with the intention of going to wash. This would be a large mark in History; Baldrick finally takes his very first bath.

"Charlotte!"

"What?"

"You have just changed History!"

"How?"

"Baldrick is bathing!"

"Ohhh!"

Katrina and Charlotte heard a noise from upstairs, the building was not very well insulated.

"Old big nose is back!" Charlotte grabbed Katrina's arm.

"Come on Trina, we love this bit!"

"Don't you want to wait for your boyfriend?"

"SHUT UP, let's go!" With that Charlotte pulled Katrina through the door.

She dragged Trina up the stairs shouting 'Get out of my way you middle aged moron!' to various servants along the way.

The two girls made their way up the stairs towards the main castle room, as they entered Blackadder was already squirming as he was trying to get out of calling the Witchsmeller "big nose" by saying he "admired his work in Taunton, imagine every single person in the village having an affair with the same Duck" then they all span around as they spotted Katrina and Charlotte enter.

"Who are you?"

Charlotte looked over to Trina and back to the very confused looking men in front of them.

"Erm...comedians?"

"For what?"

"Who are you? The Spanish inquisition?"

There were gasps throughout the room and Trina slapped her forehead.

"Slick Lottie, real slick."

"What?" Charlotte protested. Katrina's head spun around as the booming voice of Harry, Blackadder's idiotic, weak brother shouted "SILENCE" both girls jumped a little.

"Right, you strangely dressed fools, make us laugh" Katrina's eyes widened, she turned to Charlott

"Yes Charlotte" she said gesturing her head towards the court, "Make them laugh, Miss I-Can Make-A-Funeral-Funny"

Lottie glared at Trina before stepping forward and clearing her throat.

"Knock knock."

The court members exchanged confused glances.

"Okay not familiar with the knock knock jokes eh? Hmm...A man goes into the doctors..."

"How does she know this?"

"She must have plague!"

"What's a doctor?"

"Shut up Baldrick...hang on have you bathed?"

"Ummm... maybe" Baldrick replied bashfully.

"Impossible young lady" Blackadder stated confidently "Baldrick here has not bathed since….." he seemed to think for a minute "Well actually you've never bathed have you Baldrick?"

"I did today My Lord"

By this point the court was getting rowdy, screaming random comments. Katrina looked at Charlotte pleadingly, begging her with her eyes for her to do or say something funny.

Lottie was slightly pre-occupied with the fact that a man with a bizarrely large nose was pulling her hair.

"Oi gerroff!"

"This hair...surely you were not born with hair like this."

"No duh Sherlock I dyed it."

"Did you hear that? Something died to color this hair! It is witches hair!"

Lottie looked around panicking as the court members nodded.

"Don't listen to him! He's a quack!"

Katrina rubbed her forehead, knowing exactly where this going already! Charlotte was going to get them into trouble again!

"A what?"

"A quack, quack quack quack"

The Witchsmeller smirked. "See how the Duck of Taunton is with them?" Katrina looked up shocked.

"What? How did I get involved in this? She's the one said it" she said promptly pointing to Charlotte.

"Traitor" Charlotte said glaring at Katrina.

"I…was…kidding"

"Uh huh"

"Take them to the dungeon, they shall be tried tomorrow"

"You do realize that Blackadder has just been saved you idiot, now we're the ones in trouble!"

They were taken down into the dungeons and put into a small cell.

"You've really done it this time."

"Shut up. I couldn't resist! It's my natural comedy charm!"

Trina was about to argue when the gate to the cell opened and none other than Edmund Blackadder was thrown in. Lottie looked up.

"Why are you in here? I just saved your ass!"

He gave her a confused look.

"Damn Witchsmeller switched the dagger and the crucifix around. Now I'm on trial as well! Move over."

She shifted in the dirt and allowed him to sit down.

"Damn it forget about the test. Trina what should we do?"

Katrina smiled, "We do nothing" she said taking a seat on the other side of Charlotte, and turned to face her. "Remember in the episode? Blackadder, Baldrick and Percy were all shaved, burned and then saved by the Voodoo doll, we just need to stick with them, go through the trial, have some laughs, let everything turn out like it does in the episode, and we'll be fine!" she said grinning at her own flawless plan. "The only downside is, we will have to let our hair be shaved off"

"WHAT! No way! Absolutely not!"

Blackadder had until that moment been drawing in the dust. At Lottie's outburst he looked up.

"What now?"

"I am not losing my hair to a guy with a big nose!"

"No one said you were now please let me wallow in peace."

The girls found out that it was still fairly early in the day, Baldrick sneakily gave Lottie and Trina some bread 'not hearing' Blackadder moaning about starvation at around midday and the two girls taught Edmund to play hangman.

"Twilight? What kind of word is that?"

Lottie stared at him, eyes wide. Trina jabbed her.

"Lottie it's not written for a few centuries, let him live."

Lottie huffed and slumped against the wall.

"Are you alright?" Katrina asked empathetically, they were both annoyed about being stuck here, but she was partially fascinated too.

"No, I'm bloody not Trina"

"Look, I'm sorry OK, but there's no need to get angry"

"Sorry Trina"

Katrina smiled sympathetically, she leaned against the wall and made she comfortable, reached into her bag, she was thankful her school bag had made it through the journey to the middle ages, and pulled out a book and began to read.

"What in God's name is that?"

Trina looked up at Edmund who was attempting to look at her book.

"It's a book."

"But you have to be really rich to afford those! And in paper! I myself own a mere ninety!"Lottie snorted.

"Mere? Dude your perspective on life sucks."

After several failed attempts to get comfortable on the straw provided for them the three rather bored 'witches' decided to try and sleep. Lottie, after a rather heated argument with Trina (which she lost) was forced to sleep between her 'friend' and Edmund. She turned to him in the shadowy half light caused by the lone lamp outside the cell.

"Listen bud. Hands to yourself or I will be forced to remove them and make future generations of Blackadders impossible. Got it?"

He squeaked in reply and nodded. Satisfied she lay down and closed her eyes. Katrina grinned; it was fun to be around Lottie.

Tomorrow soon came, and before they knew they were stood on trial. So, now we are back at the beginning of our story, now let's find out what happens.

Katrina had managed to tie her hair up with many questions from Baldrick about the material it was made out of.

One of the girls was shaking while the other one, who had, shall we say, aggressive tendencies, was scowling and growling at everyone.

So there they were, Blackadder, Lottie, Trina and Baldrick (who had been arrested for God knows what reason, I suspect he had irritated the witch smeller) stood in front of an angry mob.

"Who will stand in defense of the accused?"

Percy stood up.

"And henceforth submit themselves to be burned at the stake as a partner in crime?"

He sat back down again. Lottie rolled her eyes. Baldrick gestured for him to stand up.

"Percy will."

He stood up and meekly nodded.

"Should we, court members, accept evidence from a man who could be a witch himself?"

Percy soon found himself standing next to Lottie who was carving her name into the bench.

The latter received a sharp nudge from Katrina. "You can't carve on that, do you know how old it will be, back in 2009?" she hissed. "By the way we still haven't resolved the hair issue, how do you propose to get out of that one?"

"SILENCE WITCHES!" the roaring voice of the Witchsmeller Persuivant bellowed. Katrina shut up instantly, as women in the court began to scream in the melodramatic way Katrina hated.

"Oh shut up you stupid cows!" she surprised herself as she said this and gasped.

"Did you hear that? She's going to turn us into cows!"

They fainted and Lottie laughed.

"I like them more when they're unconscious."

The witch smeller stepped forwards.

"I would first like to speak to Edmund Blackadder. I hear you have a pet kitty?"

He nodded.

"And did you not speak to this kitty on Sunday last?"

"I deny it"

"Ah, but did the chamber maid not hear you say 'Here bubbles, would you like some milk?'?"

"Well, I might have said that yes"

"And what did you mean by that?"

"Well I meant would the cat like some milk"

Katrina and Charlotte saw where this was going and burst out laughing already.

"I SAID SILENCE", the girls fought back their laughter as much as they could. The Witchsmeller turned back to Blackadder.

"What did you mean by milk?"

"Well I meant milk, bloody milk!"

"BLOODY MILK a mixture of milk and blood – WITCH!"

The girl of the court, who had regained consciousness much to the annoyance of Charlotte, screamed "It's the hair that proves it" Katrina rolled her eyes.

"And do you not have a horse named black satin?"

Blackadder sighed.

"Yes."

"And did you not, on Wednesday last, say to this horse, Satin would you like some carrots?"

"Well yes I might have done. You see he likes carrots."

"Carrots! The food of the devil!"

While the court continued in a rather pointless manor Lottie continued with her artwork. Eventually the horse was sent off to be 'forced to talk'. That was when he turned to her.

"Do you have any pets miss..."

"Lottie. And yes I do. I have a fish. He's called Hagrid."

"Hagrid?" asked the Witchsmeller. "What sort of name is that?"

"A very cool one."

"I'll tell you what sort of name it is...a six lettered one! It is a name of the devil! And Lottie? Six letters!"

The women in the hall fainted again.

"Well technically my name is Charlotte."

"Then Lottie must be your witch name!"

"Nah its just Charlotte for lazy people."

"Like witches!"

"Is it just me or are you slightly obsessed with the word witch?"

"Of course I am not, I use the word appropriately I am after all the Witchsmeller you lady, if you can be so called" he said looking down at Charlotte with obvious disgust. Katrina giggled a little at the banter. The Witchsmeller then turned to Katrina.

"And what about you witch? What pets do you own?"

"Umm.." Katrina squeaked. "I have a Dog and Cat"

"And what, pray, are their names?"

"Zoe and…Samson"

"AHHHH! Another pet which has six letters within its very name –WITCH"

"Don't you dare faint" Katrina said to the girls in the court who gasped.

They wobbled slightly but kept their ground. Eventually all five of the accused were shoved back into the cell. Lottie sat by her friend.

"Trina?"

"Hmm?"

"What did he mean if I could be called a woman? My boobs aren't that small are they?"

"Definitely not." Offered Baldrick from across the room. Trina turned and glared at him, he suddenly found something interesting on the floor.

"Lottie, the man is an idiot just ignore him."

"Who the witch smeller or Baldrick."

"Both."

"Fair enough." And so, after twenty minutes of pointless chatter about how this journey would make a great story, the prisoners yet again fell asleep.

"Lottie!"

"Mmm...Na wanna sleep..."

"Lottie!"

"Too early..."

"Charlotte!"

Charlotte shot upright, collided with Trina and, while shouting rather loudly, fell onto Baldrick. The latter woke up with a start, his facial expression suggesting that he was more than happy to see Charlotte on top of him. Seeing this Charlotte leapt off of him, she moved faster than she had ever moved before.

"Pervert" Charlotte muttered under her breath, clearly annoyed at being woken at such an ungodly hour.

Katrina laughed "I was only going to ask you if you could get off of my foot" she said, punctuating each word between laughter.

In response to this Lottie glared at Trina and stood on the foot that had caused all of the trouble. Lottie then shoved Trina between her and Baldrick and lay down to sleep only for a guard to come hammering on the door.

"Bloody hell. Trina tell him to go away."

Trina was eyeing the rather sharp sword the guard was holding.

"I would but I don't think that sword is for decoration."

Lottie sighed and sat upright, rubbing her eyes wearily.

"All right I'm up. Oi you two! Percy! Edmund! Up now!"

Edmund was rather shocked that a peasant girl was talking to him thus but something in her expression (perhaps it was the murderous eyes that did it) stopped him arguing.

The two men were soon on their feet,and were equally as irritated as Charlotte about being woken. The guard soon led them upstairs into the courtroom, which was getting too familiar for Katrina's liking.

"Now, our trial continues" the big nose Witchsmeller began. Katrina laughed, the only thing she could think of now was Monty Python's Life of Brian.

"Cease the laughing WITCH!" Katrina shot a glare at the courtroom girls who were, once again on the edge of fainting.

"Make me Big Nose" Katrina was feeling brave, especially since she knew all he could do now was send her to death by burning, hence letting the whole plot play out.

"Trina!" Charlotte exclaimed

"What, I may as well have some fun" she whispered.

"How dare you call me Big Nose!"

"What, I am only telling the truth, you do have a very big nose" by this point the Witchsmeller was so annoyed he was actually turning a deep shade of red.

"Come on" Katrina continued "Always look on the bright side of life"

Charlotte began to sing along with her; soon enough both girls were singing and whistling.

"What are they doing?"

"It must be a spell!"

"The hair proves it!"

Lottie stopped mid-whistle and glowered fiercely at the woman in the stands. The witch smeller stepped forwards.

"I have here a signed statement from one Black satin! Before he died..."

Blackadder glared at the man.

"You bastard!"

"He signed this confession" continued the Witchsmeller."It says I, Black satin, did on numerous occasions take part in activities of the devil with one Grumbledook! Also known as Edmund Blackadder, and his four sidekicks!"

Lottie wasn't having any of this.

"Side-kicks? Why you big nosed..."

She was stopped mid-rant by the hand of a certain Katrina coming down on her mouth.

"Charlotte, try and restrain yourself" although she couldn't stop laughing herself. Charlotte glared at the Witchsmeller, and muttering a few obscenities she desisted.

"Now I have order – I hereby sentence these five witches to be taken from this place and for their hair to be shaven, and for them to be burned alive at the stake!"

They were indeed taken away, but put it this way: after several attempts involving a razor, a very irritated Lottie and a kick in the crotch the prison guard decided that maybe she could keep her hair after all. She sat with a very smug expression next to Trina (who had also kept her hair after Lottie had bitten said prison guard) while the three men ran their hands over their now egg-like heads.

They all looked up when the gate opened with a 'clang'. A girl of no older than eleven walked in, an air of highness about her. Blackadder's wife. She stopped and looked at Lottie.

"Ooh I do like your hair!"

Lottie bowed her head slightly.

"Thank you."

The little girl walked over to Edmund.

"Hello dear."

"Edmund! You do look funny!"

"Yes, you see they've cut all of my hair off."

"Oh yes that is it. Now I have to go to my room but you know what?"

Lottie looked up slightly.

"What?"

The girl giggled.

"I might even get a better view from there! Bye Edmund."

"Goodbye dear."

She began to walk back to the doorway but the elderly queen stopped her.

"Oh yes! Here you go!"

She handed Edmund a package.

"What is it? A small axe? A key?"

"No silly it's a doll!"

It was indeed a small black doll with a pale face and red eyes. All three of the men in the room sighed with disappointment. Katrina was as cool as a cucumber, she was at on the floor, she began inspecting her nails. She looked up to see the doll.

"Bye Edmund"

"Bye dear" and with that the inappropriately young Princess left and the Queen followed.

"What are we going to do my Lord?"

"I have a cunning plan, my Lord"

"Oh shut it Baldrick!" Lottie yelled across the room.

"Yes, quite, let's face it Baldrick, you cunning idea of a cunning plan is eating a turnip, raw"

So, for the rest of the night the three men argued and felt sorry for themselves, whilst Katrina thrashed Charlotte mercilessly at cards, until eventually they all fell asleep.

Katrina woke up the next, and as expected was the only one actually awake. So she slowly and quietly walked towards her school bag picked the largest book in her bag, hardback, of course, slowly walked towards Charlotte knelt down, opened the book to the middle and closed it very loudly right next to her ear. She woke with a start. "What was that?"

"Nothing" Katrina said sliding her book behind her back "but now you're up, it's nearly time for execution!"

"You sound way too excited about that Trina!"

"What? This has been such a great experience!"

They both turned around as the door opened, and before the five knew it they were being dragged towards the stakes.

Tied to the stakes the five prisoners awaited their fate.

"Got any plans now do you Baldrick?" Katrina said sarcastically. Charlotte giggled.

"Actually…."

"No, you don't Baldrick" Blackadder finished for him.

"Now!" Big Nose began, "You are all condemned to death for the most evil crime of Witchcraft, have you anything to say?"

"Yes actually." Said Lottie in a bored tone. "Might I have a cushion? I have a splinter in places where splinters should not go."

Trina was in hysterics as the old man glared up at Lottie (who glared back in a slightly more effective manner).

"Right then if that is all..."

He lit the twigs at the base of the stakes and stood back to watch. Lottie gasped as a flame licked her boot. Those had cost a fortune. Better hurry up...

"Baldrick do you have that doll?"

"Yes why?"

"Drop it on the fire"

"Why?"

Trina was bored now. And panicky. And sort of hungry when it came down to basics.

"NOW BALDRICK!"

He dropped the doll more out of fright at the suddenly very violent fire. Trina than out of the fact that it was what he had been told to do. Suddenly the Witchsmeller was smoking, burning up in a ball of flame. The at the stakes went out and Lottie swiftly hopped down from her stake, pausing to help Trina before wandering idly up to the pile of ashes that had been the Witchsmeller.

"That was so cool!"

Trina rolled her eyes. Eventually the five 'witches' were released.

Apparently God had saved them from the Devil. Lottie made them all pose for her camera phone (it's only a T.V show Trina) and after snapping a few photos for Facebook she skipped over to Baldrick.

"Well done Balders!"

She pecked him on the cheek and walked over to Trina.

"When does the episode finish?"

"Right about...now!"

Suddenly a bell could be heard ringing loud and clear over the courtyard. Lottie looked around as the street slowly morphed into the library at Magdalen College School. The last thing they saw of the Blackadder world was the shocked faces of the cast. They landed in a heap, still covered in grime.

"Trina we do have a free period next right?"

"Yes." replied Trina, looking around.

"Well then I'm going home and bathing. It is last period after all."

It was agreed that they would both go to their respective houses and wash.

Two weeks later the group of students piled into a museum on a history trip. Lottie and Trina had aced their essays on witch-hunts the week before. Now their class was looking at a display of artifacts,

"This one is particularly interesting. Used in the time of the witch trials this banch has on it some rather interesting carvings. It reads very clearly: Lottie B was here. Moving on now we see a set of laminated playing cards found in a prison cell in the tower of the castle..."

The two girls looked at each other.

"Oops."


End file.
